The Kind of Asexuality Your Biology Teacher Didn't Talk About
By Kiowa Bailey
“Why on earth would anyone want to do any of this?” I found the whole prospect to be gross and involve far too much contact with another human being. Despite the teachers acting like we’d all want that in the future sometime and my classmates accepting that as fact, I was adamant that I’d never want any such thing.
As I grew older, went through puberty, and watched my classmates do the same, that original thought stayed in the back of my mind. Sex was utterly unappealing as an action, and I never saw a person who made me feel otherwise. For the most part, my friends weren’t into the dating thing either – and as far as we were all concerned, the only person one might have sex with would be the person one dated – so it was all still this abstract concept. Other people liked sex, liked people sexually, but not real people that I knew.
Except that was actually completely untrue. I’m not exactly the quickest on the uptake; I assumed everyone was making this stuff up. I assumed that people just… picked whether they wanted to be in relationships or have sex. I knew that being gay wasn’t a choice, it was just how you are, but that didn’t translate to the actual feelings of attraction towards other people. I thought people just decided if they wanted to be in relationships or have sex or not using the same logic one uses to pick a sandwich or pizza for lunch.
Fast forward to college. My freshman roommate had a wicked crush on one orientation leader. She’d interacted with him a few times over the course of four days and otherwise had just seen him in passing. But she was completely hung up on him for months – and told me not only the romantic things she’d love to do with him, but also that he was sexually appealing. She’d go on and on, and I’d just smile and nod.
At the time, I’d been identifying as asexual for about three years, but this was my first real epiphany. Other people really did feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction. They really and truly did want to do that stuff with people. It really was a driving force in their lives.
I had had no idea. Not for the first time, I felt like the odd one out, except now I knew why I felt that way. People really were feeling sexual attraction and really did want to have sex with each other.
Let me back up a little. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. To put it another way, if homosexuality is experiencing sexual attraction towards people of the same gender, asexuality is experiencing sexual attraction to no genders. When a person says “I’m asexual,” they’re saying “I don’t feel sexual attraction.” It can be very hard to say that you are something when it’s defined by something you don’t feel, but realizations like mine help us figure it out.
The majority of asexual folks (97%, as per our 2014 community survey) are not interested in or are actively repulsed by sex. However, sexual activity or lack thereof does not define asexuality; about 35% of asexuals have had sex at some point in their lives. It is simply the lack of sexual attraction that defines asexuality. For many of us, that indifference or repulsion to sex is just one of the things that clues us in to our sexuality.
What is sexual attraction, exactly? You probably know better than I do, if you’re not asexual too. We’ve been told “you’ll know it if you feel it,” but we haven’t felt it and obviously don’t know what it is. Based on what many allosexual (that is, not asexual) people have said, we’ve come up with a working definition. Sexual attraction is a gut feeling or pull towards another person that makes one want to have sex with them. And asexual folks just don’t feel that.
About 1% of people are asexual. That might be an underestimation, but both Kinsey’s studies in the 1950s and a more recent UK study came up with numbers between 1 and 2%, so that’s what we’re going with. That might not seem like a lot of people, but 1% of the world population is over 70 million people. That’s twice the population of Canada, just for some perspective.
A very common misconception is that asexual folks don’t want any kind of relationship whatsoever – and that’s not entirely true. Asexuality is not the same thing as aromanticism. Romantic attraction – loosely defined as a pull to be in a romantic relationship with, do romantic things with, or have a strong connection to someone specific – is separate from sexual attraction. Most folks don’t separate romantic attraction from sexual, as they feel them towards the same group of people, but not all people are like that. Many asexuals experience some amount of romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships.
Romantic orientations use the same terminology as sexual orientations. Aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction, homoromantic folks experience romantic attraction towards people of the same gender, panromantic folks experience romantic attraction towards people of any gender, and so on. Somewhere between 62 and 68 percent of asexual folks are alloromantic (experience romantic attraction).
Now, there’s a ton of other terms, but I’m not going to turn this into a vocabulary lesson. The last bit of 101 stuff I want to go over is the idea of having an asexual and aromantic spectrum. There are some people who feel that they aren’t actually asexual or aromantic, as they feel some amount of one form of attraction, but they also don’t feel like they are allosexual or alloromantic and none of those labels fit them. They fit somewhere in the gray area between asexual and allosexual or between aromantic and alloromantic, so we refer to all the identities in that gray area as the asexual spectrum or the aromantic spectrum.
So, 101 done… what is the point of all this? Education, plain and simple. Asexuality has finally started gaining ground with visibility, despite having existed just as long as all the other sexualities. The more people who know and understand, the better. We’re all people, and we all want others to appreciate who we are. A lot of asexuals, when they were questioning, went through a process of “well, I’m not gay, so I must be straight, but I don’t feel like I’m straight either, so what am I?” People need to know that asexuality is an option, that “no one” is a valid answer to “who do you like?”
Asexuals are complex people, just like everybody else. The interactions between our asexuality, our romantic orientation, our gender identity, and many other factors change how each of us experiences the world and what we think of our own identity. So even if you ask the question “what is it like to be asexual?” you’re going to get different answers from every single ace. That interconnection can make it very hard for someone who is questioning to figure it all out. We want to be there for everyone who’s questioning to help them on their way – whether they’re asexual or not. We want them to know it’s an option and that it’s okay. And we need help from our queer siblings – help with education, as allies, and with visibility and support. We’ve got your back; would you like to watch ours?
Resources:
The Asexuality Archive, a collection of resources, information, and posts: asexualityarchive.com
Asexual Advice, an advice blog for all things asexual: asexualadvice.tumblr.com
Asexual Advice frequently asked questions: asexualadvice.tumblr.com/faq
Asexual Advice glossary of terminology: asexualadvice.tumblr.com/glossary
Anagnori’s list of terms used in asexual communities: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/67669933207/words-and-concepts-used-in-asexual-communities
The Asexuality Blog, an ace-positive space: theasexualityblog.tumblr.com
Matthew’s Place articles on asexuality: http://www.matthewsplace.com/asexuality
As I grew older, went through puberty, and watched my classmates do the same, that original thought stayed in the back of my mind. Sex was utterly unappealing as an action, and I never saw a person who made me feel otherwise. For the most part, my friends weren’t into the dating thing either – and as far as we were all concerned, the only person one might have sex with would be the person one dated – so it was all still this abstract concept. Other people liked sex, liked people sexually, but not real people that I knew.
Except that was actually completely untrue. I’m not exactly the quickest on the uptake; I assumed everyone was making this stuff up. I assumed that people just… picked whether they wanted to be in relationships or have sex. I knew that being gay wasn’t a choice, it was just how you are, but that didn’t translate to the actual feelings of attraction towards other people. I thought people just decided if they wanted to be in relationships or have sex or not using the same logic one uses to pick a sandwich or pizza for lunch.
Fast forward to college. My freshman roommate had a wicked crush on one orientation leader. She’d interacted with him a few times over the course of four days and otherwise had just seen him in passing. But she was completely hung up on him for months – and told me not only the romantic things she’d love to do with him, but also that he was sexually appealing. She’d go on and on, and I’d just smile and nod.
At the time, I’d been identifying as asexual for about three years, but this was my first real epiphany. Other people really did feel sexual attraction and romantic attraction. They really and truly did want to do that stuff with people. It really was a driving force in their lives.
I had had no idea. Not for the first time, I felt like the odd one out, except now I knew why I felt that way. People really were feeling sexual attraction and really did want to have sex with each other.
Let me back up a little. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction. To put it another way, if homosexuality is experiencing sexual attraction towards people of the same gender, asexuality is experiencing sexual attraction to no genders. When a person says “I’m asexual,” they’re saying “I don’t feel sexual attraction.” It can be very hard to say that you are something when it’s defined by something you don’t feel, but realizations like mine help us figure it out.
The majority of asexual folks (97%, as per our 2014 community survey) are not interested in or are actively repulsed by sex. However, sexual activity or lack thereof does not define asexuality; about 35% of asexuals have had sex at some point in their lives. It is simply the lack of sexual attraction that defines asexuality. For many of us, that indifference or repulsion to sex is just one of the things that clues us in to our sexuality.
What is sexual attraction, exactly? You probably know better than I do, if you’re not asexual too. We’ve been told “you’ll know it if you feel it,” but we haven’t felt it and obviously don’t know what it is. Based on what many allosexual (that is, not asexual) people have said, we’ve come up with a working definition. Sexual attraction is a gut feeling or pull towards another person that makes one want to have sex with them. And asexual folks just don’t feel that.
About 1% of people are asexual. That might be an underestimation, but both Kinsey’s studies in the 1950s and a more recent UK study came up with numbers between 1 and 2%, so that’s what we’re going with. That might not seem like a lot of people, but 1% of the world population is over 70 million people. That’s twice the population of Canada, just for some perspective.
A very common misconception is that asexual folks don’t want any kind of relationship whatsoever – and that’s not entirely true. Asexuality is not the same thing as aromanticism. Romantic attraction – loosely defined as a pull to be in a romantic relationship with, do romantic things with, or have a strong connection to someone specific – is separate from sexual attraction. Most folks don’t separate romantic attraction from sexual, as they feel them towards the same group of people, but not all people are like that. Many asexuals experience some amount of romantic attraction and desire romantic relationships.
Romantic orientations use the same terminology as sexual orientations. Aromantic people don’t experience romantic attraction, homoromantic folks experience romantic attraction towards people of the same gender, panromantic folks experience romantic attraction towards people of any gender, and so on. Somewhere between 62 and 68 percent of asexual folks are alloromantic (experience romantic attraction).
Now, there’s a ton of other terms, but I’m not going to turn this into a vocabulary lesson. The last bit of 101 stuff I want to go over is the idea of having an asexual and aromantic spectrum. There are some people who feel that they aren’t actually asexual or aromantic, as they feel some amount of one form of attraction, but they also don’t feel like they are allosexual or alloromantic and none of those labels fit them. They fit somewhere in the gray area between asexual and allosexual or between aromantic and alloromantic, so we refer to all the identities in that gray area as the asexual spectrum or the aromantic spectrum.
So, 101 done… what is the point of all this? Education, plain and simple. Asexuality has finally started gaining ground with visibility, despite having existed just as long as all the other sexualities. The more people who know and understand, the better. We’re all people, and we all want others to appreciate who we are. A lot of asexuals, when they were questioning, went through a process of “well, I’m not gay, so I must be straight, but I don’t feel like I’m straight either, so what am I?” People need to know that asexuality is an option, that “no one” is a valid answer to “who do you like?”
Asexuals are complex people, just like everybody else. The interactions between our asexuality, our romantic orientation, our gender identity, and many other factors change how each of us experiences the world and what we think of our own identity. So even if you ask the question “what is it like to be asexual?” you’re going to get different answers from every single ace. That interconnection can make it very hard for someone who is questioning to figure it all out. We want to be there for everyone who’s questioning to help them on their way – whether they’re asexual or not. We want them to know it’s an option and that it’s okay. And we need help from our queer siblings – help with education, as allies, and with visibility and support. We’ve got your back; would you like to watch ours?
Resources:
The Asexuality Archive, a collection of resources, information, and posts: asexualityarchive.com
Asexual Advice, an advice blog for all things asexual: asexualadvice.tumblr.com
Asexual Advice frequently asked questions: asexualadvice.tumblr.com/faq
Asexual Advice glossary of terminology: asexualadvice.tumblr.com/glossary
Anagnori’s list of terms used in asexual communities: http://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/67669933207/words-and-concepts-used-in-asexual-communities
The Asexuality Blog, an ace-positive space: theasexualityblog.tumblr.com
Matthew’s Place articles on asexuality: http://www.matthewsplace.com/asexuality