Special Snowflake
Written by Meghan, owner and creator of the Demi Awareness blog
A special snowflake is what we in the Demi spectrum like to call a queer slur, or a queer hate term. See, for a vast majority of the world, anything demi (demisexual, demiromantic, demigender, etc.) is nonexistent. People say that we are exactly the same as the rest of the world, and that we are trying to “queer the straight” or “gay the straight”, I’ve heard it both ways before since my coming out as a hetero-demisexual hetero-demiromantic.
Everyone says that the Demi spectrum is included within the Ace spectrum. I agree to a certain extent. We all know the Asexual Awareness Week which includes everything in the Ace spectrum, and apparently the Demi spectrum, but that isn’t true. You’ll see one or two posts about demi people and that’s the extent of it. We’re always pushed under the rug. That’s always been an issue. Now, we are striving to have our own awareness week (January 25-January 31).
Another issue is the whole, coming out thing. Surprisingly or not, we even get rejected by some within the LGBTQIAP+ community. So many people find that it’s “insulting” when we saying we’re coming out as demisexual/demiromantic/demigender because we don’t get hit with any hate. We don’t go through what the homosexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, etc. have to go through. Sure, we don’t go through it to an extreme, but we are hated, we are invalidated, and we do get hurt because of it. That’s something that a lot of people don’t understand and don’t come to terms with.
Mitchell, admin of the Demi Awareness blog said, “People always say that we don't exist, and we are just looking for attention. They say that we have never experienced discrimination or harassment and are stealing attention away from the real issues. Usually the people saying this are the same people calling us special snowflakes and attention whores. Its completely ridiculous, just because we don't identify with an LGBT label, doesn't mean that we shouldn't be allowed to identify as something outside of the "big" letters. People who are demisexual, asexual, greysexual, pansexual, polyamorous, sapiosexual, and everyone else getting the recognition they deserve, is the future of the LGBT fight for equality and representation.”
When we explain to people that we are demisexual/demiromantic and try to explain the definition of it, we constantly get, “Well isn’t that everyone?” or, “Well, I don’t date strangers too, so I must be demisexual/demiromantic!” It’s always frustrating, because we have absolutely zero feelings or attraction until a strong emotional bond is formed, and even then, we still might not have feelings for whomever it is we formed, or are trying to form, a strong emotional bond with. It isn’t a choice. We don’t get to choose this. We usually hate this.
So the million dollar question is always, “What’s the difference between the asexual/aromantic and demisexual/demiromantic?” Asexual is having no sexual attraction towards anyone. Demisexual is having no sexual attraction towards anyone unless as strong emotional bond is formed. Aromantic is having no romantic attraction towards anyone. Demiromantic is having no romantic attraction towards anyone unless a strong emotional bond is formed. However, like I wrote earlier, we still might not get the attraction or the feelings. The easiest way to explain the difference is to think of us as the “bisexuals” of sexual and romantic attraction.
However, a huge misconception is that if you are demisexual or demiromantic, you don’t have a sexual or romantic preference. I get asked this all the time, “Can I be heterosexual and demisexual?” or, “Can I be homosexual and demiromantic even though I have romantic attraction to both genders?” The answer is yes! Both are just sub categories of your romantic and sexual attraction (like the amount of attraction you have). Your gender preference is your gender preference. Nothing can change that except for you. If you feel like you like the opposite gender one moment and then realize you actually like the other, that’s perfectly fine and normal!
There are so many different demigenders, that I don’t even understand why they are invalidated. I could make a whole list of them, but multiple blogs all over Tumblr have already done just that. I’ll just go with the most basic definition, demigender. Demigender is a bigender term for identifying as one gender and a nonbinary gender.
From past anonymous stories from the members of our demi family, plus the stories of the admins and my own, I’ve learned that even though everyone has had a different experience coming out and a different way they’ve come out, its was a similar reaction. People accepted it, people didn’t, people misunderstood the definition(s), and so on. It’s the same that others who come out deal with. Just ours isn’t heard of often, so its harder to explain. The only thing I have ever recommended people to do when it comes to the bad experiences, is to define it, give examples, and leave it. That’s the only thing you can do without causing strife and having people attack you verbally. Its a peaceful way of getting the point across.
I don’t believe we act different from anyone else within the LGBTQIAP+ community. We all are trying to be accepted, trying to end hate, trying to let people become aware of who we are, and that we are still equal humans who wish to be treated as such. There isn’t a cultural difference. We act like everyone else. We just have different genders, we just can’t feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond, we just can’t feel romantic attraction without a strong emotional bond. Doesn’t make us any less human, doesn’t make us better than anyone else. We still act like everyone else does, from whatever country we live in.I’ll end this with a quote that member onamonapiedia, from Tumblr, had submitted when I asked people to send me stuff for this article piece, “ ‘Falling in love is not really an event. It’s a process.’ by John Green” It’s a process for us to feel romantic attraction. It’s a process for us to
feel sexual attraction. It’s a process for us to fall in love, but we still exist. We are still human.
You can find more of Meghan's writing and answers to any Demi related questions that you might have/want to ask at demiawareness.tumblr.com.
Everyone says that the Demi spectrum is included within the Ace spectrum. I agree to a certain extent. We all know the Asexual Awareness Week which includes everything in the Ace spectrum, and apparently the Demi spectrum, but that isn’t true. You’ll see one or two posts about demi people and that’s the extent of it. We’re always pushed under the rug. That’s always been an issue. Now, we are striving to have our own awareness week (January 25-January 31).
Another issue is the whole, coming out thing. Surprisingly or not, we even get rejected by some within the LGBTQIAP+ community. So many people find that it’s “insulting” when we saying we’re coming out as demisexual/demiromantic/demigender because we don’t get hit with any hate. We don’t go through what the homosexuals, pansexuals, bisexuals, etc. have to go through. Sure, we don’t go through it to an extreme, but we are hated, we are invalidated, and we do get hurt because of it. That’s something that a lot of people don’t understand and don’t come to terms with.
Mitchell, admin of the Demi Awareness blog said, “People always say that we don't exist, and we are just looking for attention. They say that we have never experienced discrimination or harassment and are stealing attention away from the real issues. Usually the people saying this are the same people calling us special snowflakes and attention whores. Its completely ridiculous, just because we don't identify with an LGBT label, doesn't mean that we shouldn't be allowed to identify as something outside of the "big" letters. People who are demisexual, asexual, greysexual, pansexual, polyamorous, sapiosexual, and everyone else getting the recognition they deserve, is the future of the LGBT fight for equality and representation.”
When we explain to people that we are demisexual/demiromantic and try to explain the definition of it, we constantly get, “Well isn’t that everyone?” or, “Well, I don’t date strangers too, so I must be demisexual/demiromantic!” It’s always frustrating, because we have absolutely zero feelings or attraction until a strong emotional bond is formed, and even then, we still might not have feelings for whomever it is we formed, or are trying to form, a strong emotional bond with. It isn’t a choice. We don’t get to choose this. We usually hate this.
So the million dollar question is always, “What’s the difference between the asexual/aromantic and demisexual/demiromantic?” Asexual is having no sexual attraction towards anyone. Demisexual is having no sexual attraction towards anyone unless as strong emotional bond is formed. Aromantic is having no romantic attraction towards anyone. Demiromantic is having no romantic attraction towards anyone unless a strong emotional bond is formed. However, like I wrote earlier, we still might not get the attraction or the feelings. The easiest way to explain the difference is to think of us as the “bisexuals” of sexual and romantic attraction.
However, a huge misconception is that if you are demisexual or demiromantic, you don’t have a sexual or romantic preference. I get asked this all the time, “Can I be heterosexual and demisexual?” or, “Can I be homosexual and demiromantic even though I have romantic attraction to both genders?” The answer is yes! Both are just sub categories of your romantic and sexual attraction (like the amount of attraction you have). Your gender preference is your gender preference. Nothing can change that except for you. If you feel like you like the opposite gender one moment and then realize you actually like the other, that’s perfectly fine and normal!
There are so many different demigenders, that I don’t even understand why they are invalidated. I could make a whole list of them, but multiple blogs all over Tumblr have already done just that. I’ll just go with the most basic definition, demigender. Demigender is a bigender term for identifying as one gender and a nonbinary gender.
From past anonymous stories from the members of our demi family, plus the stories of the admins and my own, I’ve learned that even though everyone has had a different experience coming out and a different way they’ve come out, its was a similar reaction. People accepted it, people didn’t, people misunderstood the definition(s), and so on. It’s the same that others who come out deal with. Just ours isn’t heard of often, so its harder to explain. The only thing I have ever recommended people to do when it comes to the bad experiences, is to define it, give examples, and leave it. That’s the only thing you can do without causing strife and having people attack you verbally. Its a peaceful way of getting the point across.
I don’t believe we act different from anyone else within the LGBTQIAP+ community. We all are trying to be accepted, trying to end hate, trying to let people become aware of who we are, and that we are still equal humans who wish to be treated as such. There isn’t a cultural difference. We act like everyone else. We just have different genders, we just can’t feel sexual attraction without a strong emotional bond, we just can’t feel romantic attraction without a strong emotional bond. Doesn’t make us any less human, doesn’t make us better than anyone else. We still act like everyone else does, from whatever country we live in.I’ll end this with a quote that member onamonapiedia, from Tumblr, had submitted when I asked people to send me stuff for this article piece, “ ‘Falling in love is not really an event. It’s a process.’ by John Green” It’s a process for us to feel romantic attraction. It’s a process for us to
feel sexual attraction. It’s a process for us to fall in love, but we still exist. We are still human.
You can find more of Meghan's writing and answers to any Demi related questions that you might have/want to ask at demiawareness.tumblr.com.